Long-Timers

There’s a first time for everything, they say.  Let it be known that 2006 was the first year since 1964 that this attitude doc spent away from her husband on their 42^nd wedding anniversary.  I guess we have what is labeled a “long-term or longtime marriage,” and that seems to be somewhat of a rarity these days.  I always did seem to be drawn to doing things that were a little different.

Could it be that maybe my husband and I are fortunate to inherit some longtime marriage genes?  My in-laws did their dance together for close to seventy-two years and my folks almost fifty.  I wonder if they changed as much over that period of time as I saw in myself.

I hardly recognize the woman who tied the knot 42 years ago.  There are many who would say Gene, my husband, has been like a saint to have endured my antics that contributed to bumps in the road, and I would agree.  Although I’ve changed my attitude over the years, the quest to know myself has only grown with intensity.  And because of it, I wasn’t always easy to live with either. The search for Self-realization can be somewhat tumultuous. I was blessed to be a stay at home mom and play an active part in our children’s day-to-day activities, while my husband took the traditional role of being a provider.  It also gave me the opportunity to pursue my spiritual goals.

So what is the glue that held our marriage together so long?  The answers will surface as we explore the subject with a broad brush.  Faithfulness is a strong component of long-term marriage.  It’s not to say the temptation hasn’t surfaced, but for us, we never acted on it.  Sure it sounded exciting and romantic, but there are consequences to everything we do—everything.  Shared history became something that connected us at a deep level and to this day, deepens. Family ties are strong, regardless of differences of opinions and beliefs.  We are family.  We have come from family and we’ve created family.  There is a touching story in my book, Attitudes, Beliefs and Choices with regard to my father’s wish for his four daughters spoken to us at the conclusion of a nostalgic trip to his birthplace in Greece.  Communication is certainly one of, if not the biggest key ingredients in growing a successful long-term marriage.  With each passing anniversary it was evident that we were starting to share a mutual intention to be at peace within ourselves, regardless of circumstances.  Happiness is a Choice, as Barry Kaufman wrote about in his book, of the same name.   The following quote that came from a newspaper article that has yellowed over time, but still deserves a place on my bulletin board. “As long as a couple can have open and honest communication, their problems will be small ones.” 

It wasn’t always that way for us, but from a traditional relationship we continue to evolve into what Gary Zukav refers to as “spiritual partnership.”   We have learned that through our free will we are either in pain and suffering, or we are at peace.  Although I have been the one to passionately pursue my spirituality, Gene has not only been a supportive husband but a kind, respectful and understanding friend.  Granted this kind of determination to be all you can be and to know your self can result in a shaky relationship.  Again it can be embraced through the true art of communication.

We will continue to mature individually and together, which will just strengthen and beautify our relationship.  As we each remember our true essence we can more easily see that in the other.  In knowing we are a soul, and have an ego, we develop our compassion for our fellowman/woman and jointly care about doing service in the world.  We continue to learn from each other about doing and being, reason and feeling, mind and heart.  It’s actually quite a fascinating experience.

The word “commitment” has difficulty rolling off many tongues, but it has seemed to be a significant factor is allowing us to overcome adversity and the challenges that have occurred over the years.  This particular journey has just worked for us.   But for others maybe another path is more appropriate.  I know a woman who remarried after a divorce and said, “This is what it’s suppose to be like.”  Another whose age difference is 26 years.  Who’s to say?  It’s whatever works.  This is one “shrink” who doesn’t give advice.

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About the Author

Alexandra Delis-Abrams, Ph.D., also known as The Attitude Doc., refers to herself as a “stretch,” rather than a “shrink.”  Her website www.theattitudedoc.com offers ways to improve ones attitude, which determines the quality of ones happiness.  Check out the bargain bundles that effectively and brilliantly support life change.  Her redesign of her other site www.abcfeelings.com  will launch on March 10, 2006 and learn about her important teaching tools for the 21^st century.