Retirement Means New House Rules and Roles

Think you’ve really lived together all these years? Think again.

True story (names changed to protect the guilty).

Phil finally retires. His first night off the job, Judy, his still-working wife, arrives home from a long day.

Judy: “Hi, honey, how was your day?”

Phil: “Fine. Yours?”

Judy: “Great. What’s for dinner”?

Phil: (no dialogue, though an audible “thud” is heard as Harry’s jaw hits the table)

It’s not the idea of making dinner Phil finds daunting. He’s not so lazy, he wouldn’t turn on an oven, boil some water. It’s the very question. Thirty-plus years of marriage, he’d never made a meal. Never had been asked. Why now?

It’s not the idea of making dinner Phil finds daunting. He’s not so lazy, he wouldn’t turn on an oven, boil some water. It’s the very question. Thirty-plus years of marriage, he’d never made a meal. Never had been asked. Why now?

Judy’s question is not that unusual, once you learn how often, and how instantly, one’s expectations for a spouse or partner can change when that person retires.

In this case, the still-working spouse mentally assigned a typical “stay at home” job expectation to the newly-minted, stay-at-home retiree. (“That’s what I would do if I retired…cook dinner. That’s what the homemaker does.”)

It works the other way, too, when a new retiree invades their stay-at-home spouse’s or partner’s nest. Invasion is not hyperbole.

You may have shared a home, shared a life. You may have shared well. But really, you’ve only shared it part time, on nights, weekends and vacations. Otherwise, that nest was his, or hers, to rule and enjoy. Going to work sets natural boundaries that easily crumble once the “career” spouse or partner calls work quits.

These changes in expectations can do real damage, a kind many simply can’t foresee before retiring. They commonly take hold during the transition-to-retirement period, and deteriorate from there. The numbers tell the story, as divorce rates within the first five years of retirement continue their steep ascent.

As with so many rough spots couples encounter, early awareness, healthy discussion and good planning all contribute to smoothing the way. Experts say that couples spend more time planning their next vacation than they plan for retirement. (Think about that for a moment!) And those who do plan usually focus on financial issues – not on what they want to do for the rest of their lives, both as individuals, and together.

Here are four, early retirement scenarios and stressors common to couples (the changes detailed above, in expected roles and in personal and private space, are two), and steps to eliminate or reduce their impact. It’s all about setting – and sticking to – what I call The New House Rules.

1. Time Together, Time Apart

As mentioned earlier, work separates most couples 9 to 10 hours a day. Occasional work-related travel provides extended time apart. You have lived together, but not all day long, every day of the week. As the book title says, “I Married You For Better Or Worse, But Not for Lunch”. Each of you has developed your way of doing things, your daily routines and habits.

Start by talking things over. Discuss with your spouse your routine -- activities you like to do alone, and those you are happy to share. Understanding each other’s expectations can help maximize your enjoyment and minimize conflict.

We know of one husband, an engineer, who, the first week upon retiring, insisted on accompanying his wife on her weekly shopping trip to the supermarket. A few days later, the husband proudly presented his wife with a full schematic diagram of the grocery store, and explained to her how she had been shopping inefficiently all these years. The neighbors could hear her reaction. The couple quickly decided not to share this activity. Your relationship will be strengthened by knowing which activities are best shared, and which need to remain solo.

Give yourselves time to transition and to adjust. Know that you are going through a difficult transition, and that your feelings are not uncommon. The increased time together will take some getting used to; the adjustment can take months. Give yourselves the time you need.

2. Space Invaders

Time is one part of the adjustment. Space is another.

The use of space at home evolves over time. Family members establish their own private environments and their own personal space - even in public areas. We tend to develop places in the home for private “retreats" from time to time.

The new retiree(s) can easily invade the other’s personal spaces. Increased time together often brings a sense of "encroachment," a feeling that you are on top of each other.

We heard about a freshly retired husband who nipped some very severe space invasion issues in the bud by buying the condo next door, and spending time there each “workday.” For most, the solutions are far less extreme and costly.

Begin by identifying the places that "belong" to each member of the household. This can be a no brainier, but an extremely beneficial one. Discuss how the use of these or other spaces may (or may not) now change.

Is more desk space needed? What about additional filing cabinets? Any changes in the kitchen? Time to rearrange the living room, or even renovate for a fresh start, and new spaces? At very least, try to agree on the boundaries between public and private spaces.

3. The Sound of Silence

Sound can also become a point of friction; it’s another kind of space invasion. One couple reported that the newly retired husband enjoyed playing opera while he read. He filled the house with glorious arias for hours on end. Though his wife was on opera fan as well, she previously had maintained a quieter daytime environment. Before long, she took refuge in the town library.

The issues surrounding noise are compounded if the retiree is joining a spouse already at home. Gaining a clear understanding of the changes in household reverberations will make your time together more enjoyable.

Addressing each partner's need for quiet can prevent these issues from generating friction, and help smooth the retirement transition. Don't be polite. You know what you need, and only by presenting it can you avoid problems.

4. (Not So) Great (Chore) Expectations

As Phil and Judy’s tale earlier told, one of the most difficult dynamics during the retirement transition is the change in expectations for what the newly stay-at-home spouse or partner will do around the house. Household cleaning, grocery shopping, managing home maintenance, yard work...the list goes on.

Develop an understanding of these issues by jointly creating a checklist of common chores and tasks. Make two copies, then independently indicate which of you does each job now, and who you expect will do so in the future. Compare the two completed lists, and use them as a basis for discussion to reach a mutually agreeable resolution. The clearer your understanding is, the easier the transition.

Writ large, when it comes to couples, so much of the retirement transition hangs on each individual’s expectations. The damage is done when expectations go unspoken, and unmanaged. Start the dialogue early, before the transition occurs, and be sure to revisit it over time. Like so many rules, you’ll find your New House Rules a perpetual work in progress: guidelines that change with new circumstances, experiences and attitudes.