When You Can't Be There
By Chloe Jon Paul

Just four years ago I couldn't have imagined where this book would lead me.  The book itself came about as a result of observations I made while my parents were in a long-term care facility,

It was apparent that many family caregivers were uncomfortable visiting with their loved one; that they didn't know how to interact with staff and other residents; that they were unable to deal effectively with unforeseen, upsetting issues which inevitably arise.

I took a survey of family members whose loved ones resided at this facility to find out what they wanted to know and the book emerged as a result.  I would like to share with you a chapter from my book, What Happens Next?

There are bound to be periods of time when you cannot physically be there to visit with your loved one. Whether you are working, traveling, or recovering from an illness, you will not be available to visit. Of course, feelings of guilt can crop up at such a time.

During the six and a half years my mother was in a nursing home, I had been hospitalized and I had gone on vacations. While I was away, I sent postcards to my mother daily because she was unable to hear over the telephone. If your loved one is capable of reading or being read to, this is the best way to him/her know where you are and why you can't be there.

If your loved one is capable of hearing and talking on the telephone, you can arrange with staff for a calling time when they can have your loved one near the telephone at the nurses' station. That way, you can chat for a few minutes. The length of the conversation isn't important. Just hearing your voice will make your loved one's day. Another thing you can do is send flowers or balloons. They always add a festive touch to a resident's room.

I hired the woman who was also my pet nanny to visit my mother when I was away for longer than a week. I figured that I used to hire a babysitter when my kids were small. Why not employ someone who was reliable, enjoyed elderly people, and was trustworthy to do the job?

I made sure that this person became acquainted with my mother before I left. She came on a visit with me to become acclimated and to learn about some of the things she could do with my mother while visiting.

I generally scheduled her for two visits a week with each visit lasting 45 minutes to an hour. If you choose to do this, be sure to select someone you know and trust.

Yes, there are volunteers who come into the nursing home to visit with the residents but it is not always on a regular basis, and can be quite impersonal. If you live at a distance and cannot visit on a regular basis, you can contact a senior care group and ask about arranging for visits with your loved one. You would then set up some kind of documentation system with the nursing home to insure that the service is being provided. 

You may be tempted to think: I can't afford to do this. The bottom line is: you can't afford not to do it. It may mean sacrificing something else but you won't regret it. At the end, instead of saying, "I could've, I would've, I should've, you will be able to say "I did it!" And you'll be glad that you did. (End of Chapter)

My book and experiences have led to speaking engagements in several states, an invitation to become the state representative for the National Family Caregivers Association's Caregiver community Action Network (CCAN), and an appointment by the governor to serve on Maryland's Interagency Advisory Committee on Aging Services.  I also serve on the Maryland Health Care Commission advisory board for long term care.

As the state representative for NFCA, I have been privileged to speak at NIH and AARP conferences.  I also run professional and family caregiver workshops.  To learn more about the topics offered, you can visit my web site at www.eldercare101.com where you can also download the Preface to my book for free.

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About the Author
Chloe Jon Paul is the author of "What Happens Next? A Family Guide to Nursing Home Visits...and More".  Her book is available on www.amazon.com.

Chloe is also the Maryland state representative for the National Family Caregivers Association's Caregiver Community Action Network and serves on two advisory boards for the state of Maryland.