Jazz Up the Job Interview...

I read an article in the business section of my local paper about how hard it is for people over fifty to find new jobs, despite the fact that most employers and the U.S. Department of Labor say we’re usually more dependable and skilled than many younger workers.

This news might be depressing to some mid-life career seekers, so I’ve decided to help by coming up with a list of ways to appear more like a twenty or thirty-something when applying for a new job. If you try these techniques, I guarantee you’ll probably still not get the job you’re after, but you certainly will have more fun trying:

Get something pierced.
And no, it doesn’t count if you’re a female and you’ve already got two pierced ears in which you wear delicate gold studs or maybe tiny diamonds. In order to make a statement during your interview, you either need a small nose piercing or several holes stapled in the top of your ear into which you thread multiple metal rings. Make sure that the number of earrings in your right and left ears are not equal. Having a piercing says “I’m hip and I’m accustomed to pain.” Who wouldn’t want to hire someone like that. Caution: Don’t pierce your tongue immediately prior to an interview. Drooling isn’t hip.

Slouch through the entire interview. A more relaxed posture is common among people in their early twenties and they get lots of jobs. Their slouching may be natural, a consequence of sitting behind a computer keyboard or videogame since they were two, but you can easily fake it. You just have to get rid of the voice of your mother or second grade teacher who was always reminds you to sit up straight. As a general rule, while being interviewed, you should be far enough down in your chair that your eyes should be just high enough to see across the interviewer’s desk.

Pepper your conversation with references to young celebrities to show that you keep current on what’s going on in the world. When asked about your work ethic, you could say “I’m a hard worker who will always be here until the job is done.” But a better response would be “I’m like Britney Spears. I may make a few mistakes, but I keep coming back.”

Take calls on your cell phone while in the interview. This will make you look busy and important. Anyone who makes it all the way through an interview without their phone playing something by Beyonce or Red Hot Chili Peppers (yes, you may have to change your ring tone) is a loser. Ask a friend with plenty of time to call you every seven to eight minutes. And be sure to answer loudly, but respectfully. “I can’t talk right now, I’m in an interview. Oh, well, if it’s about Molly’s cat’s teeth, that’s important. Sorry, I have to take this. No, I don’t know where the liver-flavor dental floss is.”

When completing the application, use text-message type abbreviations. For example, under the section that says, “List previous experience,” you may want to write: “4 the lst 23 yrs I wrkd 4 sml engrg frms J” Using complete sentences, proper grammar, and heaven forbid, appropriate spelling, is a dead giveaway that you are an older worker who may not be able to survive in the fst-pcd evrnt of 2dayz wrk wrld.

Prior to going for the interview, create a list of interesting hobbies that say “I’m youthful and energetic, “ not “I’m ready to retire but can’t afford to.” Hobbies that say the latter include quilting, scrapbooking, golf, crossword puzzles, and collecting Elvis thimbles. Hobbies that scream youthful include: naked bungee jumping, mountain biking, fire-eating, and break-dancing. It doesn’t hurt to bring along a prop, to reassure the interviewer that as soon as the interview is over, you’ll be out living it up with your skateboard or propane tank.

Try these tips and see if your next interview isn’t a lot more fun. As an added bonus, you may just shake up a few HR types along the way.